Archive for July, 2006

..REDNECK OLYMPIKS..

..Professional Redneck Athletes are needed for the “Backwoods Redneck Olympics” which will be held in Crager’s Park on Sunday February 19….athletes must be at least sixteen years of age in order to participate.. ..Twenty thousand-five “athletes” are expected to compete..while 25 to 30 spectators are expected..Olympians will be awarded Mason-jar lid medallions ….The Olympic events start at 3pm and are as follows:

..ridin de tire..

..forget the luge..man when you get these things going ya can never stop..the surrounding countries are warned to be looking for these contestants to be flying by..

..Redneck Tractor Pull

..this oughtta be a lotta fun out in de snow..

..In our neck of the woods..the tractor is pulled by the redneck!..There will be in competition to see who can pull the tractor the furthest distance in the shortest time. Do not try this one at home folks!..

..we sure hope there is enough ice to make this a real interesting..butt-busting contest..

..Wheel Barrel Race..

..Each redneck will be driving a wheel barrel filled with three fifty pound sacks of potatoes..the object is to drive the wheel barrel through the obstacle course without spilling the load..in order to maintain the true look of a redneck, each driver will be provided with a beautiful straw hat which must be worn with a smile..

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Redneck Horseshoes..

Real rednecks don’t use horseshoes! They use toilet seats! Do you think you can throw a ringer? This one is going to be a real hoot!..

.. Grapefruiit Seed Spitting Contest ..

..Now how could an Olympics be complete without this event? Each redneck athlete will be asked to “bob” for a grapefruit from a toilet bowl! Don’t worry – the toilet will be a never used model! The athlete will then spit the seeds through a hoop and into a drum to be counted. Style is everything in this event..

..Log Rolling Contest..

..This contest is no hands on! One way or another..but without using their hands..the redneck athletes competing in this contest need to roll their log across the frozen river and into a small opening at the finish line..

Corn Shucking Contest

This is a timed event. Each Redneck Athlete will be given 3 dried ears of corn..The first athlete to shuck the kernels off of all three ears just might be a Redneck Olympic winner..

Rock Skipping Contest

..To be held on the pond inside the park. Redneck rocks will be provided. Two tries per athlete.

..Hillbilly Pumpkin Toss..

..they may be a bit mushy by now..but bring em on..this one should be self explanatory folks! Start practicing at home..

..redneks on vacation..

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “what’s the matter?”

The fellow replies, “well I’ve got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well… I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. “Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”

The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.” A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. “What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!” The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. “I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!”

The bartenter, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!” The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. “It worked, it worked!” he exclaims. “I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”