...Praise God..
..ya know yer old when yer boobies have fallen and they can't get up..
..there's nothing worse than diaherra..except havin to use a public restroom..
..ya know yer old when..someone compliments ya on yer alligator shoes and you are barefoot..
..ya know yer old when you get the same sensation from a rocker ya use to get from a roller coaster..
..welcome to Grandmas..tonights menu..whatever you want..whenever you want it..so true so true..
..Hard work must have killed someone..
..senior citizen..give me my (*&^%$#%$$#@!! discount..
..casual day..it seemed like a good idea..
..in dog years I'm dead..
..still got it..just forgot where I put it..
..my job is secure..no one else wants it..
~~retirement...I wake up with nothing to do..by bedtime I havn''t done half of it~~
...your pacemaker opens the garage door..
..a good day is when you hit the ball farther than you throw yer club..
..Silly Willies for the Older Generation..
.Linda's a beutician..not a magician..
..tell that to Lucy and Ethel....
..if you want breakfast in bed why not sleep in the kitchen..
..corn poop..one of life's greatest mysteries..
..I got my grump on..
..yeah I may be old..but at least I made it..
don't flatter yourself..I'm having a hot flash..
..am I getting older or is the supermatrket playing neat music..??..
..power napper..
..the first 40 years of parenting are the hardest..
..benefits of aging..
1. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
2. Your secrets are now safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
3. Your eyes won't get much worse.
4. You're no longer expected to run into a burning building.
5. Whatever you buy now won't wear out.
6. In a hostage situation, you're likely to be released first.
7. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
*
*
..GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER..
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
*
OLD IS WHEN:
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra.. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
**
**
..Signs You Are gettin older..
Your house plants are alive, and you can''t smoke any of them.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed..
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel...
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14..
.. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up..
You're the one calling the police because those durn kids next door won't turn down the stereo..
.. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore..
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers..
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt..
You take naps from noon to 6PM..
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach..
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacids, not pregnancy tests..
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer pretty good stuff..
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
..I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again..
.. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
**
**
Miscellaneous Thoughts:
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
...Brain cells come..... and brain cells go; but fat cells live forever..
..I don't tan..I rust..
Don't take life too seriously..it's not permanent..
Bald is never haviing to say..I'm having a bad hair day..
I eat 3 servings of vegetables each day..KETSUP..KETSUP..KETSUP..
..I grew up just in time to grow old..
..I have no idea what I am doing out of bed..
..how come everybody else yells BINGO and all I yell is **&^%$#@&..
...my doctor says for a man of 50 I have the body of a 16 year old..(DOG)
..Good Advise for Those of Us ..
..OVER THE HILL..
..There are just certain things that just do not go together no matter what anyone tells you..
..LIKE..
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. In-line skates and a walker
13. Thongs and Depends
..t-shirt sightings for the elderly..
..un-thletic director..
..with a body like this..who needs hair..
..visit all my joke pages..truckers..jokes..Dukes of Hazzard..
..genealogy jokes..
..truckers..
..GENEALOGY..what day were you born on?..NAMES..On This Day in History..Monday's Child etc poem..recipes....MY Roots..
..Dukes of Hazzard..
Quiz and Trivia..CB handles..how many do ya remember..??..